Friday, March 20, 2015
Day 3.78 Still smiling
God I hope so.
Relentless chest pains, numbness, hypotension and the frightful feeling that I am sure precedes a stroke has been the status-quo for almost three weeks. Toss in some GI pings, a few choice hallucinations, horrific nightmares and INCREASE in appetite, and you have a recipe for worry.
Yesterday, it a moment of existentialistic consideration, I wanted to ensure that the adjective 'tragic' is never uttered when it refers to my corporeal departure from this world. I have made it almost sixty-three years, had a boat-load of serious fun, made more mistakes than a classroom of third graders and hung out with several stunningly beautiful people. I have no bucket list. I have pared-down, streamlined and reduced my possessions and responsibilities to an approximate minimum. I have a few regrets, sure, but today, I consider myself above average on the happiness scale, maybe a seven on the one to ten. The hatches may be battened down, but we're still smiling.
I have lots to do. And probably little time to do it. Please don't misunderstand, this is not a whine, complaint or morbid paranoia, it is fact. Reality. We are all in this same tuna boat. I accept this. We are of the nature to suffer and die.
The most important thing I have left to do is keep going. The biggest reason why I am hoping to be past the symptoms listed above is that they dramatically impact my desire to keep active, fit and race-ready. The last few days have been challenging. I have questioned my motivation, my approach and my resolve. I am very familiar with physical pain. But this is something I have little experience or understanding of. It is scary.
The 'keep going' element involves my need to contribute. Somehow. Nobody will hire me, leaving my wit and tenaciousness as only attributes. I want to work. I need to serve a purpose and I simply must have a project.
For those of you that follow, you know what that means.
Had a long chat with the boss yesterday. He likes the crowd-fund idea. We might send an e-mail blast to the fifty thousand users in our d-base. But if that fails I think I am prepared to self-fund travel and production costs in exchange for a significantly higher percentage of sales, like half.
A gamble sure and one filled to the top with risk.
But what the heck.
What have I got to lose?