If I was manic/depressive or suffered from bi-polar syndrome, it would be acceptable. At least then, I, we, us, would have a clue as to what the heck is going on.
This we know: I have chronic atrial fibrillation, coupled with brady-cardia and some type of shortened artery that feeds blood into the top chambers.
What we don't know is what triggers it or what causes it to recede. I have had a cardio-ablation and four independent cardio-aversions. After each I return to arrhythmia within three days of the procedure.
This is like being on vacation from a job you detest (but pays the bills) and coming back to work early only to face the dickhead boss, an office full of twits and a pile of work on your desk at which your lazy secretary giggles.
So we know WHAT it is, we just don't know WHAT to do to fix it.
It also has mysterious additional symptoms. I have told you about the vision thing. Today it was like I had sixteen bleeding ulcers and the only thing to eat were enchiladas. Chest always has pressure, palpitations nearly rock me off the bed with neuro-pings in neck, jaw and temple that I swear are one move shy of check-mate.
I can spin for an hour but climbing the stairs to my room gasses me like a full-on 100 meters. I alternate between thoughts of poor Robin Williams and the complete ecstatic freedom of giving up.
Everything has gone to seed. TU. The remnants of a once beautiful stand of trees, dozed for commercial 'growth'.
All I have left is what I do. The future is now.
All meaning, that if the rest of my life is to be spent dealing with the frustrating uncertainties of this predicament they call idiopathic (we don't know) I will have to make some hard decisions.
Soon.
Because this SUCKS.
We may not make it to 365.
2 comments:
Man, my heart goes out to you. I sincerely wish I had two so that I could give you one of them.
It's OK, today will be great. Thank you for the kind words. It is hard to create a log of all this without sounding like a cry-baby. I will try to add some more objectivity - effective immediately! Fare thee well.
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