Friday, May 1, 2015

Day 5.121 Like fear?

Is something keeping me from my goals?

Am I lazy?
Am I weak?
Am I stupid?
Am I addicted?
Am I chronically distracted?
Am I indigent?
Am I afraid?

Ah, fear. Fear of?


Ah, stress.

The good medical staff at UW Medicine wants me to undergo a thorough psychological  work-up to determine whether (or not) stress is playing a part in all this. Starts with a sleep-over in their posh honeymoon-is-over suite to eliminate the sleep apnea possibility. After that a chat with the staff shrink. Remember it was my PCP, my PAC actually, that initially suggested that with all the shit that has passed under my bridge I HAVE TO BE DEPRESSED.

I keep telling them I am NOT depressed but I got to thinking on my run today that I really don't know what that feels like.

Like fear?
Like a hangover?
Like AFib?
Like indigestion?
Like extreme sadness?
Like insomnia?
Like food poisoning?
Like a concussion?

Ah, brain trauma.

Been there too. Blurry vision and a constant high pitch ringing (around 3K kHz). Dizziness and syncope. I have leaned to manage it decently but when additional symptoms arise the combination is a monster.

Ah monsters.

Like Godzilla?
Like an Orc?
Like Hannibal Lecter?
Like fear?

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