Day 154, Fuck yes!

These thoughts come and go. I let them. I try to hold on and ponder their depths, but they quickly dart from consciousness like a hummingbird from a sugar-loaded feeder. Here…gone. What was that?

It was a hummingbird. It was a rose. It was a memory. It was a smell.

I remember when the memories weren't so dynamic. It was just last week.

Now they have been gone for years.

And I miss the moment of doing. And I want it back.

I want roses in December.

I want the hummingbirds to move in.

I want the feeling of tension in my gut as the race is about to start. I want the endorphin flow of passion and love.

Now.

Not the memory of the way it once was. I want it new, exciting and fresh. I want the giddiness and the goofiness, the giggles and grins.

I am tired of the solemnity of dealing with my irregular heart rate, the fact that I could stroke out at any moment. That this day of this year could very well end up being the last four digits on my to-from years. I have been hanging around for more than six decades now. That is a lot of time.

Have I used it well? Am I satisfied? Have I prepared well for retirement?

FUCK NO.

I have squandered it away like Monopoly money.

Have I had fun?

FUCK YES.

Am I happy?

Yes again.

Was the immediate gratification worth the disaster I am about to face, being broke into the 'golden years'?

Know what? We'll see.

I kinda like the challenge.

That was the thought that blew past as I sat on the beach at sunset and finished a terrific novel of love, life and lies.