Day fifty-four; More?

I'm trying not to whine. Stay positive and focused, once a mantra for getting things done, is now on my lips constantly. This thing is gaining momentum and is relentless. Last night was another struggle, chest pressure, palpitations, muscle spasms, sharp pains, numbness, and the worst by far, inability to sleep. Going on month fourteen of sleepless nights. And when I do doze, absolute, unmistakable anxiety dreams of looming disaster.

You would hallucinate too.

With everything else around me nearing disaster, I guess it should't surprise me that my health, one the bedrock of my sense of self, is now a distance memory. The scale yesterday informed me that I am up 15 pounds from a year ago. I can guarantee you it is not muscle. Sometimes simply getting out of the car causes shortness of breath that feels like I just waxed Andy Potts in a sprint.

A week from tomorrow I get to go outside the hospital and specialists I have been meting on a regular basis since last February and see a neurologist at UW Med. There are more than a few that think it might be nerve related.

I can say with all honesty my nerves are shot. Bright lights, harsh noises, pops, bangs, booms set me five feet off the ground with a head full of adrenalin and dopamine. I think I should start wearing my bike helmet 24/7.

I will hang in there as long as I can. Red wine seems to help but it puts a crimp in my productivity when I start medicating before noon. They got me on some synthetic crap called omeprazole. The Internist says I don't have GERD, but every night it sure feels like an army of acid-heads are invading my heart, lungs and esophagus. Why would he prescribe a pump inhibitor designed to control excess acid when by his own testing methods, I don't need it?

I am not whining. I just feel like shit. Have been for over a year as I watch helplessly as my fitness, power, speed and QOL continue their southbound escape.

My plan for both the immediate and long-term, should that come about, is to stay positive and focus. Try to relax. Smile some.

Cause really how bad can it get?