Friday, February 6, 2009
Wednesday was tough. The client said that the project I had been toiling over for 90 days needed more work. I was crushed like an ant under foot. I broke a personal rule and took it personally. I considered it a failure on my part and a disservice to the company. I felt like I had been fired, terminated, let go and RIFed all at once. It was a blow to my ego, a knife in the gut and a slap on the face. It seemed to me to be a sentence of death. Life, as I once knew it, was no more.
I have had dreams of dying before. Anxious, sweat-filled, heart-pounding dark and troubled visits from demons that only I could see. Long have I wondered what their message was, what did they portend?
The first once came on like a scene from the Matrix. Is this real, I wondered in deep REM? There was an atomic clock franticly spinning time down to the thousandth of a second, backwards, telling me of my time remaining on this earth. I hit the panic button, what do you do with thirty seconds left to live? 29, 28, 27....... Find a way to stop the clock, where are my wire cutters? 17, 16, 15.....Use your Swiss Army Knife, shit, I'm naked in bed, 9, 8, 7.....DO SOMETHING.....
All went black in the white light. Was I dead, in another world, or still dreaming? I guess if I can think this at least I have my consciousness, so maybe a little rest would help ease the transition, so r-e-l-a-x and b-r-e-a-t-h-e.
The second one was Groundhog Day all over again, the Deja-vu of the Dementors. There was the clock re-set to thirty seconds (am I getting another chance?) and as soon as my (new and improved) consciousness became aware of its presence (imagine that) it started. OH, I AM IN CHARGE HERE? This is a test of what I have learned? OK, fine, 25, 24, 23...I am going to spend the last twenty seconds of my life (this one) in perfect harmony with, 18, 17, 16....the spirit of light, energy and oneness with all, 9, 8, 7....and I do that by ACCEPTING THE CIRCUMSTANCE OF MY HERE AND NOW AND R-E-L-A-X-I-N-G AND B-R-E-A-T-H-I-N-G. This might even be fun.....3, 2,1.....
At zero I awoke in a state of wonder, joy and peace. If I was dead, this was a whole heck of a lot better that when I last went to sleep. Then the meaning of the dream came crystal clear, and for the first time in my four decades of dream practice, a message was as obvious as the snow is pure.
Three days later I still walk in the mirror-like glow of that moment. Grim Reaper, HA, from now on I'll call you by your real name.