Zen of No Zen

 217.

The decisions are not easy ones. There is no binary yes or no, black, white, high or low. Not as simple as go or no-go. Adding to the consternation is my philosophical tendency to apply Zen logic, or no-logic, to the equation. The paradox renders the possibility that as a result of my non-resistance and full acceptance of circumstance I am admitting to weakness and defeat, having matured into asking who I have become rather than the youthful query of who am I?

Mustang calls me on it. "You might consider that your acceptance philosophy is limiting the complex chemical activations necessary for a faster and more complete recovery. We all know that you can stand the pain, but our immune systems work best when the biological lessons of evolution are used in conjunction with modern medical technologies."

"So fight instead of flight?" I inquire.

"Pick your battles carefully. A battery left always on is useless when the power goes off. Stress and then rest is the surest path to adaptation, an absolute you should be familiar with by now."

I am being schooled, coached and mentored, an academy which I graduated - with honors - from student to teacher a long time ago. The juxtaposition is jarring - but fascinating - for the same reasons that my practice of not 'pushing the river' and 'merging consciousness with reality', provides  the delicious choice of growth or stagnation, of expansion or constriction, of participation in this sport of life or merely being a spectator to it. We pass through failure.

"You can accept the current reality and leave it at that, or commit to the process of improvement. And please let me make this perfectly clear," she continues in a dramatic segue, "to regain the use of your left side, you will need everything from everybody, doctors, PTs, therapists, training partners, coaches, lawyers, gurus and probably even a few shamans."

I am playing with her meaning that I trust will be found between the lines of her lecture, and not above or beneath. Sure, there is a robust backstory and I am not one to easily toss the white flag, so what then? What am I to take from this spontaneous dressing down? Go harder, easier? Get more sleep? Lighten up? Charge? Chill?

"Are you through?" I ask this brash Irish-Italian ball of fire.

Silence. Thought. Respect.

"Are you?"